Hello gorgeous, always fabulous to see you. I had an “Ah Hah” moment over the weekend that I’m super excited (perhaps a little nervous) to share with you. This moment involved putting on my big girl panties, telling the scared little girl inside of me to be quiet for a second, and taking advice from an always wise ManFriend. This weekend I faced a fear over five years in the making.
Let’s get a little back story… Yeah!… Story time…
Over 5 years ago I went through some major life changes. In the matter of about a year life hauled off and sucker punched me right in the kisser. WHAM! I should have seen it coming, but I was too busy blinding myself to see it. It’s really hard to see a big fat knuckle sandwich when you choose to skip along with your eyes closed, fingers in your ears, and a loud “lalalala” coming from your lips. Truth is, that WHAMY, it wasn’t so much life…. It was me. I kicked my world into a spiral of bad decisions and youthful ignorance.
The first step to fixing a problem is first admitting you have a problem. You see, I didn’t acknowledge this fact until I was already flying head first down a slide soaped up with Mr. Bubbles. By the time I’d realized I was hurting myself and those around me… I was alone. I woke up one morning, picked up the phone, and realized I had no one to call. I had successfully isolated myself from everyone with my hurtful behavior and childish actions. To put it bluntly, my life sucked.
The worst of it was losing my best-friend of nearly 20 years. She’d stood by me through the loss of my father, too many bad decision to count, heartbreak, joy… All of it. She was the closest thing to family I had growing up, she and her family were amazing to me. Even she had had enough of me. The ugly person I’d chosen to act like forced to her utter the phrase, “B, my life is better off without you in it.” To say I was crushed, would be the understatement of the century.
A few months passed and I realized I was a total moron. I apologized, but it wasn’t enough. I had hurt people too badly. I vowed at that moment to never ever make those foolish selfish mistakes again. I’m proud to say that though I’m far from perfect, those mistakes, they aren’t even an option for me anymore. On and off through the last 5 years I’d tried to reach out to my former best-friend and received little to no response. Couldn’t blame her, I’d pushed everyone too far.
This past October I sent her a message on Facebook (oh the joys of social media) simply asking how to she was. No response. It hurt, but it wasn’t exactly unexpected. I pushed it out of my mind and focused my thoughts on positive energy. Over this past weekend we were at a museum out of town in a crowded elevator, my mind going a mile a second making sure everyone was accounted for, when a very familiar voice said… “Hello B.” I look up to see the face of that best-friend that I had missed so much for so long. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh, cry, or be angry. My insides were twisted and in an instant the exchange was over.
My mood changed. I was grouchy. I really needed time to be alone and reflect, but family time doesn’t always allow for space. When alone in the car with ManFriend I cried, actual head in my hand ugly face sobbed. ManFriend, drove in silence, smart to let me get it out and when I finally stopped crying he said. “B, this is your choice… But it seems to me that you love her and miss her. Tell her that.”
That’s probably the best piece of advice I’ve received in a long time. ManFriend and I talked for 2 days about me contacting her. Scared, doesn’t cover what I felt at the thought of getting rejected again. It’s hard, so hard, to put yourself out there to possibly get rejected. No one wants to get shot down or hurt…but you never know what will happen until you lay it all out on the line.
My former best-friend and I have since exchanged a few causal Facebook messages and have even become “friends” on Facebook. I’m thankful for even that small step. I’m not sure if we can ever be friends again, but with at least having the door to a friendship unlocked I feel like a little hole in my heart has been filled.
I want to encourage everyone to say what you need to say. Don’t be afraid to get hurt, because no matter the outcome you will learn something. You deserve all the happiness in the world, which you may miss out on if you are too much of a Chicken Little to go out there and get what you want. Do it today: send that email or write that letter. Pick up the phone and make a phone call that is long overdue. Go live your life without fear.
I’m sure glad that I took a chance…I bet you will be too.
As always, until next time….
Keep it Sassy & Classy,